


wahts it to u?

by kimoi



Category: Homestuck, dirk strider - Fandom, jake english - Fandom, jane crocker - Fandom, roxy lalonde - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Sadstuck, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-27
Updated: 2012-02-28
Packaged: 2017-10-31 19:36:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,934
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/347649
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kimoi/pseuds/kimoi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Roxy Lalonde, fed up with the sordid love triangle her friends all have with one another, discovers why she drinks so much and nearly pushes herself over the edge. Literally.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

"And finally... an olive. Hehe." Drink complete, Lalonde sat at her computer, and took a delicate sip of her concoction. Stared at her screen. ...and frowned. Opening a pester window, she began talking to Jane.  
  
\- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began bothering gutsyGumshoe [GG] -  
  
TG: ehy jaaane  
  
TG: *ehy  
  
TG: fcuk *HEY  
  
GG: Hoo hoo, hello Lalonde! :B At it already, I see?  
  
TG: yeah booooi. u know i totes gotta get my drikn on p early to get anythign done. hows my wodnerful baking lady tonight  
  
GG: Still trying to find that dang bunny! L'il Seb is proving to be quite a bother!  
  
TG: well youll fidn him. ur good at that  
  
GG: Hoo hoo! I sure hope so. I'd like to find him before my dad does, at least! :B  
  
TG: how is that big sexy man doign anyway  
  
GG: Oh, Lalonde! You hush. He's still being the ever-diligent prison guard. He's got this house locked up tighter than a tub of new frosting!  
  
TG: mmmmmmmmmmmmmm funfetit i hope  
  
GG: More like un-funfetti! Hoo hoo!  
  
Sip, sip.  
  
TG: yeha well i dotn kno  
  
TG: jake is botherign me one sex  
  
TG: *sec lol  
  
\- golgothasTerror [GT] began bothering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] -  
  
GT: Lalonde! Just the young lady ive been meaning to talk to. How are you?  
  
TG: good like sherwodo jake  
  
TG: hbu  
  
GT: On the contrary, sherwood was anything but good! Not until that dashing fellow robinhood came along. But anyway, im okay! I was actually wondering if you had the time to banter with a fellow such as myself?  
  
TG: such a gentelman jake ya i got soem time whatsup  
  
GT: Well i actually wanted to talk to you about jane... *Tugs at collar a bit.*  
  
TG: oh im talking to her right nwo i can get her  
  
GG: Oh nono, thats not necessary! I was actually hoping we could discuss a bit of a... delicate subject.  
  
TG: o nononoononnnonnono jake  
  
TG: ^++++++^ remmeber  
  
TG: oops *rmbmr  
  
GT: Damn and and blast your eyes, lalonde! This is serious. Please?  
  
TG: unzups jake what is mroe important than the girl-code you are asking me to break  
  
GT: Well i... ive been giving thought to our last zippy-lips conversation... *Wrings kerchief.*  
  
TG: yoink  
  
GT: Augh lalonde, please!  
  
TG: jaek im sorry this makes me as nervous as u i dont want jane mad at me  
  
TG: buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut if u promise to keep thsi super secret i will talk to u about it  
  
TG: i mean it  
  
TG: super secret liek the fountani of youth adn antalntis  
  
TG: pls dont tell jane  
  
TG: dnw ruin girl cred  
  
GT: I wouldnt do that! There is nothing i want more than for your girl-cred to remain 100% un-ruined.  
  
TG: ty for taht jake  
  
TG: one sec gonna talk to jaen again for completly unrelated raesons  
  
She tabbed over.  
  
TG: hay gurl hayyyyy  
  
GG: Hey again! :B  
  
GG: How's Jake?  
  
TG: goooooooood  
  
TG: hey jane  
  
GG: Yes?  
  
TG: jaaaaaaaaaaaane  
  
GG: Yeeeees? :B  
  
TG: ur special to me ok  
  
TG: liek being your bestie is toteys a big responsibility and all buti want u to know that it is a weight i gratfully shoudlr  
  
GG: Oh! Well the feeling is mutual, dearie! Hoo hoo! :B  
  
GG: I'm going to take 5 though to go find Seb!  
  
GG: Don't get too booze-crazy, hoo hoo! :B <3  
  
TG: bye jaen  
  
TG: *jane  
  
\- gutsyGumshoe [GG] ceased bothering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] -  
  
Instead of tabbing back to Jake, Lalonde instead sipped some more at her martini - or rather, she would have done so (in a delicate, lady-like fashion of course) if she hadn't finished it with her last 'sip'. They seemed to go down all too quickly, these days.  
  
TG: one sc jake  
  
TG: *sec  
  
GT: Right-o, madam!  
  
Lalonde got up. Went to her dresser. It was smattered with various boozes and mixers. Was it really so bad that this was so comforting...? She pushed the thought out of her slightly buzzing head, and mixed herself another martini. Olive. Perfect.  
  
TG: ok jake im bck  
  
GT: Welcome back! Hopefully were not getting ourselves too deep in the wading pool of inebriation! Id like to talk to you about this as seriously as possible.  
  
TG: yada yaad jake lets just get this over with  
  
GT: Right! Well... like i said ive been giving thought to the... Erm... *Tugs at collar.* possibility... of... the two of us...  
  
TG: omg u are such a baby jake jus say it u want to jump her bonse  
  
TG: *bones  
  
GT: Gah! No! I could never speak of a lady in such a way. Its very ungentlemanly. *Dabs at brow a bit with kercheif.*  
  
TG: jaek i took ur dumb kerchier once dont make me do it again  
  
TG: ill instate the no rp rule again  
  
GT: Ill do my best to stop. But okay.  
  
GT: Ive really given thought to the whole jane and i relationship prospect. And i think that id maybe like to pursue it.  
  
TG: ok im not sure waht there is to discuss about that but ok  
  
GT: Im... moreso trying to ask if youd be okay with that. But im making it a lot more awkward than it has to be and i feel incredibly silly.  
  
TG: why would u need my permissino or anything like that jake its ur life n shit like that  
  
GT: Well its like you said. Youre her bffsie 4evers. And while you and i are not quite that close, you are very dear to me. Doing something to jeopardize that wouldnt be very gentlemanly of me! And it would upset me very much. So i want to make sure that its something you will give me thumbs up on!  
  
Lalonde leaned back from her computer, biting at her bottom lip just a little bit. It still tasted like the martini. Realizing she hadn't taken a drink in a while, she remedied this - and for all intents and purposes, leaned back towards her computer to ready some snarky reply or perhaps a pass at the young English.  
  
But she did neither. Jane was her best friend. This was something that was the most important above all else. She was sort-of friends with everyone else because of Jane. If Lalonde lost the cornerstone, she'd be struggling with a broken foundation. And that never lasted. She had to lay off Jake. For the sake of everyone. Of everything.  
  
TG: if ur tryign to get me to stop you, im not gonna. ur a perfectly capable, strapping young lad and u can make ur own decisions  
  
TG: taht being said, however, im ridiculously appreciatiev that youd even ask me beforehand.  
  
TG: i swear to god tho u treat her wrogn boy and i will fly my ass to ur stupid island and beat teh shit out of u  
  
GT: I think id beat the shit out of myself before i let myself do that!  
  
GT: Thank you, miss lalonde. I really do take your permission seriously.  
  
TG: rmember jake i am miss zipprlips. you make her think its all your idea, and nothign that i told u.  
  
TG: gurl cred, yo  
  
GT: I understand! Well then, im off to try and work up the courage to say something that doesnt sound ridiculous!  
  
TG: yeha gl jake  
  
\- golgothasTerror [GT] ceased bothering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] -  
  
She sighed, taking up her glass again and - ohp - spilling a little on herself. It... wasn't even that funny, but she found herself laughing at it. This is how she knew she was starting to head off into the realm of her online namesake. "Jjjjjuuuusstttt tipsy, ehe," she found herself fond of reminding. Lalonde never liked to admit herself 'drunk', as that seemed very undignified. Deep down though, she knew that if people knew she were actually drunk at the young age of 15, they might start worrying about her. More than they did now, anyway.  
  
The martini was starting to bore her, so she slammed the rest of it ((and happily ate the olive, yum)) and found her way back to her dresser. Something colourful would really pick up her mood. There was half a bottle of X-rated ((why her mother bought this was beyond her; all she knew was that it was delicious)) and some pomegranate juice leftover from dinner the other night. Finding a new glass she mixed herself a sweet drink, and wandered to find her phone. The chat client hadn't been working on it since she'd dropped it on her face last. She didn't think that that REALLY had anything to do with it, but she was secretly a bit of a conspiracy theory nut - any excuse she found to believe in something a little radical, she took it. The client probably just needed an update. Yep... just an update.  
  
Phone was located under a pile of pink blankets, covered in cat hair, and had a dead battery. With a groan and an eyeroll she plugged it in to charge, wrangled her drink, and moseyed back to the computer. Strider was online. Maybe she'd take a moment to bug that hot piece...  
  
She wrinkled her nose suddenly before opening a window with him. A memory of a prior conversation with him came to mind. _TT: Watch as I magically pull a fuck to give out of my ass. Wait. Can't. I'm not a fucking magician, Lalonde. TT: That'd be pretty damn slick, though. TT: In an ironic sort of way._ She shook her head, the heels of her hands pressing into her temples to try and quell the sudden flush of negativity. Strider never cared. He didn't seem to care about anything aside Jane and probably Jake. No one cared for Lalonde.  
  
The thought brought a deeply-etched frown onto her face, the teen taking a heavy, rushed drink from her glass and swallowing. Erf - it went down the wrong way, sending her into a coughing fit. Apparently, her mother heard her.  
  
"No mom," she groaned loudly through the coughing. "I'm FINE." She lowered her voice. "Dumb broad." It was with a sense of sudden determination that she opened a chat window with Strider. Hmph. She'd show that jerk to be... a jerk to her.  
  
\- tipsy nostalgic [TG] began bothering timaeusTestified [TT] -  
  
TT: Yes, Lalonde?  
  
TG: this better be u strider adn not ur dumb autoresponder  
  
TT: And if it was?  
  
TG: wlel id be very upset  
  
TT: And what a tragedy that'd be. Do you have any actual business or should I start pretending to listen now?  
  
TG: dammit strider i jus want to takl to you  
  
TG: jaen is busy w/something and jake is... also busy with somethign  
  
TT: So your boredom has brought you to me. Wow, for being a friend I sure feel like a last resort.  
  
TG: ya well maybe if u werent so unapproacheable id actually talk to u more  
  
TT: My interest is waning, Lalonde.  
  
TG: ok ok. idk ive just been sittign here all day drinkign  
  
TG: alone w/my thoughts  >:?  
  
TT: Alright, I'll bite. What thoughts?  
  
TG: idk im kinda lonely lol  
  
TT: You don't have your mother to have indirect passive-aggressive contests with?  
  
TT: That's a first.  
  
TG: well sehs my mom  
  
TG: btu not that kinda lonely i guess  
  
TT: So I'm assuming this means that you've been rejected by Jake.  
  
TG: i wastn rejected exaxlty  
  
TT: Hm?  
  
TG: i kidna backed off cuz jane is my bestie forevs and i dotn want to  
  
TG: take that from her  
  
TG: jake i mean  
  
TT: I understand.  
  
TT: I am in the same predicament.  
  
TG: oh strider u know im not itno jane  
  
TG: heh heh heh  
  
TG: jk jk  
  
TT: I'd assumed not.  
  
TG: so yeha idk  
  
TG: im just sitting here w/all my boozes  
  
TG: adn my thoughts :?  
  
TT: I'm sorry.  
  
TT: We're both stuck in this rut, then.  
  
TG: do u want to talk abotu it or anything  
  
TG: im here for u evne though u  
  
TG: dotn particularyl enjoy talking to me all teh time  
  
TT: Of course I enjoy talking to you, Lalonde.  
  
TT: As I stated before, you're like a sister to me.  
  
TG: wlel u know  
  
TG: im alwasy  
  
TG: like this  
  
TG: lol  
  
TT: No.  
  
TT: I can sense you are rather unhappy.  
  
Was she? ...did Strider have one of his stupid robots nearby? She glanced around nervously.  
  
TG: yeah i guess...  
  
TG: soryr  
  
TT: There's no need to apologize, Lalonde.  
  
TT: You did nothing wrong.  
  
TG: i just feel bad subjectign u to this when i know ur in teh same boat  
  
TT: I don't mind, actually.  
  
TT: I'm the only person you can talk to about this, after all.  
  
TG: tahts true  
  
TT: As you are to me.  
  
TG: ur right  
  
TG: its liek fate  
  
TG: or some shit  
  
TT: Fate?  
  
TT: You know I don't believe in that, Lalonde.  
  
TG: i knwo...  
  
TG: i tihnk if i were jaek i would need a kerchief to grab lol  
  
TG: i shoudl totes just take his  
  
TT: You should. It would be more than amusing to see his reaction.  
  
TG: i got it  
  
TG: dabs kerchief at brwo  
  
TG: *brow  
  
TT: Oh, you're sweating?  
  
Lalonde WAS sweating. Be it from the amount of alcohol in her system, or from the rush of anxiety she felt from this conversation... she was uncomfortable. This whole conversation was turning into something that she definitely did not see coming. And something she definitely didn't want to think about. Suddenly, her drink wasn't strong enough. Even with her head buzzing like it was, she wanted more. Not bothering to excuse herself she got up to trot to her dresser, tripping on a pair of pink slippers in the process - hitting her head a bit on the corner of her bed. Rather than produce a pained sound it brought around a giggle; a sure sign the little lady was already well in the waters of inebriation.  
  
She made it to her dresser. Took a shot of gin. Made it back to her computer.  
  
But she didn't type right away. She instead closed her eyes and leaned her head back, letting the alcohol make the room spin behind her eyelids. It was such a neat feeling; having the sensation you were going to topple over while being planted firmly in your seat. The shot of gin took a grip on her a few minutes later, and she swung back into action - nearly smacking her face into her computer screen. Without thinking, she began to type.  
  
TG: i thikn deep down i always knwe jake was off-limist  
  
TG: but i  
  
TG: hit on him anywya  
  
TT: I can understand.  
  
TG: no, i dont think u can  
  
TG: i did it becasue i coudl get awaty with it  
  
TG: beign drunk and all  
  
Did that make sense?  
  
TG: btu maybe tahts why i started doign it more and more  
  
TG: driking  
  
TG: to cover it up  
  
TG: teh drunker i was the less credible id be  
  
TG: drunk ol lalodne  
  
TG: ur silly lalonde  
  
TG: oh huhs lalonde  
  
TG: tehres no way she can liek jake look at lalonde shes  
  
TG: d r u nk  
  
TG: btu yeah i stopped  
  
TG: jaen wants jake. adn he wants her. tehy r perfect i guess  
  
TT: ...Is it wrong to hate him?  
  
TG: who? jake? for jaen liking him?  
  
TG: do u realy hate him stirder?  
  
TT: I've never felt scorn towards him until now.  
  
TT: I don't know, Lalonde.  
  
TT: I just know that... I despise him somewhat.  
  
TT: If somewhat is a worthy word.  
  
TG: ur envious of the likelythood taht jane will pick him  
  
TG: dotn use negative words  
  
TG: hes one of ur closest friedns  
  
TT: ...Yes, yes, you're right.  
  
TT: There's no need for negativity.  
  
TG: jsut like i dont habro any nevgativity towarsd jane  
  
TG: i just harbor it towarsd myself lol  
  
TG: oh fkuc im shaking so bad i spileld my booze  
  
It hit her all, then; the loneliness, the drinking. The piss-poor moods, the potty-mouth. She sat there, sticky and depressed, staring at her computer screen.  
  
TT: Shaking?  
  
She was. The fruity alcohol dripped off her fingertips, from her arm, and started creating little wet drop-spots on her skirt. And it wasn't just the booze. ...it was tears, too.  
  
TT: Lalonde?  
  
"Th-that's me..." she slurred, rubbing her boozey hands on her skirt before rubbing one of her eyes. Her eyeliner was running like some scene kid's.  
  
TT: I worry about you, Lalonde.  
  
She was replying before she knew what was happening.  
  
TG: oh yeha? whys that? because u pity me?  
  
TT: Hoping you aren't drinking too much.  
  
TT: Hoping that you, quite possibly, aren't drinking to stay in the right mindframe.  
  
The floodgates were opened fully now, the blonde nearly sobbing outright into her hands. "It's so fucking true." Even though, right now, the alcohol was probably exacerbating the problem.  
  
TG: it was workign until u drew attentino to it, thakns asshole  
  
\- tipsyGnostalgic TG ceased bothering timaeusTestified TT -  
  
She pushed the computer chair away from the desk to spin it the opposite way, holding out her arm to knock everything off the desk at the same time. "Fuck this," she spat, kicking at things in front of her that were within a foot's reach. "Fuck... errything." Lalonde stood, stumbling over to her dresser and weakly shoving everything off. Bottles crashed to the floor as well as various empty ((and used)) glasses; some clinking and some breaking against one another. The noise managed to startle her in her inebriation, causing the girl to scream in frustration. She heard her mother coming up the stairs. A quick scramble to her door to lock it ended in her falling against it, sliding down with her back against it. Face in her hands. Sobbing. Her head pounded from where it had collided with her bed earlier.  
  
"I'm sooooooopathetic," she managed through her tears, rubbing her boozey fingers through her hair. Smeared makeup trailed up into her hairline. Her mom pounded against the door. Lalonde could hear the smooth timbre of her voice, but couldn't make out a single word the woman was saying. "Go the fuck away, mom!" More mumbles. "No, I didn't take your shit, leave me alone!" Lalonde balled her fist, slamming it into the wood of the door behind her until she could no longer hear her mother, hoping that she'd ambled away. In the process she'd managed to injure herself further, crying and nursing her sore hand. The other was gingerly inspecting the bump on her temple.  
  
"I'm such a ssssstupid bitch," she wailed. "Nnnnno l-love for Lalonde. Ev...everyone has their ssstupid little... someone." Her voice pitched to imitate that of Jane's. "Oooh Mmmmister English, ooooh~ Y-y-you're sostrooong an' so haaandsome n' soooo dreeee~eeamy." A serious of sobs broke her little play before she was able to continue. "Oho, J-Jane. You're s-s-so beautiful a-an' SMASHING an' ono my f-fuckin'... KERCHIEF an' skulls or wha-th-fuck-EVER. CERULEAN BAAABES. Allow me t'sweep you off your fuckin' FEET." Both hands were now balled into fists in her hair, her face wet and red from sobbing. "An' fuckin'... STRIDER. Tha' damn LOSER. MWAH M-MWAH MWAH, JAAANE~~ OOH B-BUT NO, I MUSTN'T FUCKIN' EVEN THINK ABOUT HER. I L-LOVE HER BUT I'M TOO FUCKIN' COOL TO SAY ANYTHIN' TO HERRR. DERP DERP. ROBOTS." Head tipped forward only to be slammed backwards into the door, knocking a few of the hangers of shirts she had hung there to fall on top of her. Screaming again in sudden and incoherent rage she stood, flinging the garments off herself and kicking at them wildly. "NO ONE. FUCKING. LOVES. LALONDE."  
  
Lalonde paced around her room. Muttered to herself. Her drunk brain did flips, causing her stagger to be a little more aimless than usual. Each blink was a little longer and a little more dizzying than the last. Her heart raced. She hyperventilated. Her erratic breathing put a morbid thought into her head, which she voiced. "Sh-should I fuckin'... suffocate, Jake? Will you l-love me then?" She paused in front of the mirror behind her dresser, staring angrily at her reflection. Normally flawless ((even that was a façade, she didn't really like her looks)), it was ugly; a giant smear of makeup, blood, and tears. Her hair was a fright. She was shaking so badly she couldn't even wipe it out of her face. "W-wouldn' I look g-good blue, Jake?" Eyes drifted to the frame of the mirror. Pictures her friends had sent her of themselves were stuck in it. Quaking fingertips reached out to touch the picture of Jake, Lalonde heaving a remarkably difficult and heavy sigh. She swallowed another sob. "O-or you, Mister S-Strider. Would I s-suit y'better if I tore my fuckin' heart out like onna yer robots?" Her eyes narrowed. "Or you, Janey. N-not even you can escape this. You're all like... fuckin'... everyone has eyes for you. I'm wise to yer fuckin' game, Janey-poo. I'M SO. FUCKIN'. WISE!" A hoarse screech accompanied a wild tear at the pictures, Lalonde ripping them from their posts and shredding them violently. Still sobbing, she moved to throw them out the window, and managed to step on a shard of a broken martini glass. She shrieked, and crumpled to the floor in a new wave of misery.  
  
"God-fuckin-dammit I hate myself," she wailed, fumbling to tug off her grey sock to claw the piece of glass out. Just barely above her sniveling, she could hear her phone ring. She hobbled to her bed, and answered.  
  
"Who th' f-fuck is this and what d'you fuckin' want?" she demanded of the mysterious caller, three seconds away from not giving a fuck and flinging her phone out the window, too. The voice on the end stilled her own, and the only thing greeting the anonymous caller was her own fragmented, stunned breathing.  
  
"Lalonde." It had a small vibe of seriousness to it, with an undertone of extreme concern. Crisp, but worried.  
  
"S-Strider," she whispered after a moment, finding it difficult to focus on the currently impotent conversation at hand with her head and heart pounding in her ears. "What th'fuck do you want?" The words were more desperate than nasty. "H-how did you... even get this number?"  
  
"I'm a fucking genius, Lalonde. That was a stupid question. What are you doing? Calm down. I can fucking hear your girly teenage heart racing all the way over here."  
  
"Sh-shut up," she spat. "What d'you want?"  
  
"I want you to calm down." There was a pregnant pause. "Please." For some reason, this enraged her.  
  
"Wha th'fuck d'you care, Strider? Yer th'same as those oth'r fuckers. Off in yer own little world, pinin' over yer dear, sweeeeeet Jane." The sigh Strider gave was irritated, but patient.  
  
"What are you doing, Lalonde?"  
  
"Th'fuck does it sound like 'm doin'?" She was currently trying to pull the glass out of her foot, again. Which resulted in a sharp cry of pain when she only pushed it in more. She bit her lip so hard, it started bleeding as well.  
  
"Fucking answer me, Lalonde." This time, the voice was rushed. More concerned. The tone in it made her cry more.  
  
"I fuckin' stepped on broken glass, okay?" Sniffle. "'m tryina get it out."  
  
"Get your mother, you're going to hurt yourself."  
  
"Too late f'r that, captain hindsight."  
  
"Do as I say."  
  
A new wave of fury rushed over her. She was on her feet, broken glass and all, screaming into the phone.  
  
"Why th'fuck should I listen t'you? All you fuckin' do is boss people around. Do as I SAY, Lalonde. Get yer own fuckin' uranium, Jake. Stop bein' so FUCKIN' ADORABLE, Jane!" The girl's pacing left a bloody footprint in her salmon carpet, and she found herself staring out her wide open window. The anger subsided, reduced to nearly inaudible sobs. Strider was silent, more than likely waiting for her tantrum to pass. It didn't.  
  
"'m so damn tired of everyone tellin' me what t'do, tellin' me what to feel..." She took a deep breath, coughing. "Easy f'someone that doesn't... care 'bout anyone else..." Cough, splutter.  
  
"If I didn't fucking care, Lalonde, would I be calling you?" He sounded a little impatient, but still concerned. The girl shook her head, rubbing at her hairline again.  
  
"'m a fuckin' mess... 'm never happy anymore. I always f-fuckin' drink..."  
  
"Why do you drink, Lalonde?"  
  
"S-so... so it's easier for me t-t'pretend that I'm happy..." She smiled miserably into her empty room. "No one knows... My mom d-doesn' care about me... I mean I think she wants me t'drink. H-how can you do that to yer own kid? She l-lets me drink. An' ignores me. All my friends are in love with each other. Has anyone ever stopped to think that maybe I love one of y-you guys, too?" Fresh tears found their way down her face to drip off her chin, mingling with the blood from her lip there as she swallowed the ever-present lump in her throat. "An' I only mack so much on Jane's dad because I... I know he c-can't hear me. It's harmless. No one is hurt b-but me."  
  
"Your drinking hurts us, Lalonde." Was she crazy, or was his voice shaking? "We all care about you. Worry about you." He paused while she had another minor breakdown. She was trying to argue, but her sobs kept breaking up her words, making them intelligible.  
  
"I j-just... W-want someone t'love me..."  
  
Sitting was making her anxious, so she stood again - crumpling and uncrumpling a corner of her skirt with her hand to keep herself busy as she paced, limping a bit from her injury. The alcohol had numbed her; eyes were glassy as they trained themselves on the floor, occasionally catching a glimpse of spilled alcohol on the floor in her aimless amble. Her pacing brought her to the window again.  
  
"Lalonde?" Again, the concern was evident.  
  
"I don't dream anymore, Strider..." she whispered, wiping a collection of blood, tears, and makeup off her face. "'m... worried 'bout what Jane s-said to me about Jake... He d-doesn't... his d-dream self..." She stuck her head out the window, leaning against the bottom ledge and pretty far out. It was windy. And dark.  
  
"Lalonde..."  
  
"Does that mean... 'f I fall... I won' wake up again?"  
  
"Lalonde please..." She was sniveling too much to hear Strider make a command away from the mouthpiece. "Will you listen to what you're saying? It's ridiculous."  
  
"Yer ridiculous!" she spat in reply, rubbing her eyes again.  
  
"No, I'm not the one that's drunk off my ass and sobbing to some stranger from the internet." Strider quieted, though. "I wish you'd do it more often."  
  
"Ya? All y'do is bitch at me online. Y'call me stupid. Y'get reallllly annoyed with me. Y'never seem to actually wanna talk t'me when I wanna talk t'you. Maybe something's wrong, Strider. Why th'fuck else would I talk to you? Because I like feeling like shit and being degraded with your big words and your s-stupid irony?"  
  
Another coughing fest took over her, the blonde nearly dropping her phone.  
  
"W-well isn't... isn't this ironic, Strider?" How it took a crisis of this magnitude to get her to talk to him? "Would falling be ironic? Would that be just too damn ironic for you?" Silence, again. "But what 'f I want to...? I jus'... fall?"  
  
"Lalonde..."  
  
"C-can I... be with Jake then? Can I be with anyone?" She took a deep breath, the chill in the air making her shudder. She leaned out the window again.  
  
"That won't hel-"  
  
"Have you m-met your dream self, Strider?" She scrunched her nose again. "Have you woken up, I mean?" Silence. "Jane tells me Prospit is beautiful..." Her voice quieted. "Even the f-funerals."  
  
"Please..."  
  
"I'm a little upset..." What an understatement. "That I haven't s-seen it yet..." Another small sniffle. Her next words were nearly a whimper. "If I c-close my eyes... will I see it...?"  
  
Lalonde closed her eyes then, forgetting in her daydream about Prospit that doing so sent her into a bit of a vertigo fit. She swayed on the spot, her hand slipping off the windowsill and causing her to topple out of her window. She screamed, hearing a shout from her phone as it slid from her grasp. The last thing she remembered doing was crying out Strider's name before she blacked out.  
  
When she came to, her head was killing her. Not only from the bump on the noggin she'd gotten earlier, but from the massive hangover she was suffering from. But she was alive. Barely.  
  
"...th' fuck?" she croaked, attempting to roll over onto her side and yelping in a sudden pain from her arm. She was no doctor, but she assumed it was broken. "Fuckin' a, man..." She then noticed an oversized robotic cat next to her. The cat, noticing her awaken, had its full attention on her.  
  
"Oh thank fuck," she heard from her phone. "You're fuckin' alive."  
  
"Strider?" she mumbled, her thoughts on what had transpired in the past few hours fuzzy. "Wha-?"  
  
"You think I didn't build you a fucking robot? His name's Tequila Sunrise." She heard the faint click of him typing. "He tells me he untangled you from the tree you fell into. You're one lucky fuckin' broad. That fall would have killed you otherwise."  
  
Tears instantly filled her eyes again, the blonde beginning to cry once more as little snippets trickled back into her memory.  
  
"I'm so sorry," she wailed, hoisting herself up and crawling to her phone. Tequila Sunrise stood to curl around her, gingerly nudging here and there to report her well-being to the eccentric mechanic.  
  
"Broken arm. I think you fractured something in your leg. And apparently you're bleeding. You were out for about an hour, and like I said - you better give that tree some fucking love. It saved your damn life."  
  
"I'm so sorry," she whispered, succumbing to fatigue and just letting the robot do his work."For what?" Even through the non-chalonce, Lalonde could hear the tone of relief in his voice.  
  
"F-for putting you through that bullshit. I don't know what happened to me."  
  
"Don't sweat it." A pause. "But you were definitely wrong about one thing."  
  
"Wow, way to put the half-dead girl down, Strider. You must be fuckin' ace with the ladies."  
  
"Someone does love you, Lalonde."  
  
-x-x-  
  
Alt ending:  
  
(...)before she blacked out.  
  
Her phone, about three feet from her body, was nudged by the nose of an oversized robotic cat. The faint sound of crying could be heard coming from it, along with the unmistakable tacka-tacka of fingers on a keyboard.  
  
"A-are you sure?" The voice cracked halfway through the question, a furious fist-slam heard shortly thereafter. "Double-fucking-check. Please. God, no..." The robot sat down next to the body of the young blonde girl, unwittingly sending video feed of everything it saw to its creator. "Dammit, Lalonde..." Strider was definitely crying. "You stupid broad. You were wrong." The cat curled around the body now, the feed steady on her tragic face. "Someone did love you."


	2. Chapter 2

  
"Got a minute, Rox?"   
  
Roxy looked up from the small netbook she had resting on her lap, tedious lines of code filling most of the screen. She sighed heavily, but nodded at Dirk. She stood and closed the tiny laptop, tossing it onto her bed. Crossed her room. Stood at least a head shorter than Strider, who was in her doorway. Hands on her hips, she looked up at him with a face that simply read 'what' in all its deadpan glory.  
  
"It's more like 45 seconds now, so talk fast." She pushed her bangs from her eyes, ignoring how fucking awful her cast felt under her long-sleeved shirt. She wore the pink hoodie to cover the hideous thing, but if anyone kept tabs on how awkward and stiff her movements were, it was a little obvious.  
  
It'd been two weeks since the incident in which she'd 'fallen' off her balcony. When the agony of the only person to ever tell her they loved her lived hundreds of miles away caught up with her and she nearly suffered alcohol poisoning, the other blonde decided it was finally time for him to visit her. Save her from herself, basically. He'd been there a few days already. He had meant to talk to her about when he would be taking his leave, but... The words didn't find their way out of his mouth.  
  
Neither of them had mentioned the incident since it had happened. That may have been why. He felt like it was an extensively important part of why he was there, so leaving without saying anything about it seemed... to make the journey pointless. Not that seeing her hadn't been absolutely fucking wonderful.  
  
"Thirty seconds - Dirk, what do you _want_?" Her arms were folded across her chest now. If she sounded irritable, it wasn't at him, or because of him - the pain meds she was on were to blame entirely. Not to mention she obviously couldn't take them while inebriated. So, she was grouchy and sober. He knew her irritation wasn't at him. It didn't make him feel any better about it. A hand reached out, stroking her cheek gently. When she didn't flinch or shy away, he sighed.  
  
"Are you doing okay, Roxy?"   
  
"That's it? You want to ask me if I'm okay? Why the fuck are you HERE, Dirk? You're here because I'm certifiably NOT okay." Her tone rose in volume, little by little. "My mom left to some retreat because she couldn't handle me. You came here because I'm pathetic and can't take care of myself. You took all my booze so it didn't happen again - so tell me, Strider. How 'okay' do you think I am? One to ten. Take a fucking guess."  
  
The small speech brought a frown to the boy's face, brows knitting just barely behind his shades. His hand fell to her arm, feeling the cast under her sleeve. His hand wrapped around it gently, then its pair joined - holding her arm delicately like one might something precious and fragile.  
  
"Dirk, don't-"  
  
But he didn't let go. He knew she wouldn't struggle out of fear of hurting herself. But it didn't stop her from slapping him cold across the face. His sunglasses flew off to the side, Dirk wincing a bit. Ah, fuck. Openpalmkind and fistkind seemed to be nearly the same. Almost immediately after she did it, she gasped; free hand flying to cover  her mouth.  
  
"I... I didn't mean..."  
  
"It's okay. I probably deserved it." He didn't move his hands though, now staring at her with his intense tangerine eyes. They unsettled her - she glanced away for a moment.  
  
"No... you didn't. That's why I apologized." ...she was, however, intensely in love with his eyes also. Looking back into them, she bit her lip. Roxy definitely looked worse for wear. She had circles under her eyes. She hadn't worn makeup since about a day after he'd gotten here, finding it pointless. Was she trying to impress him? "Your eyes..." Her hand reached up to his face, the girl taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly.   
  
"Are ridiculous," he finished for her. She shook her head.  
  
"No, they're beautiful." And they looked about as equally tired as hers. Thumb brushed against his cheek, fingertips eventually moving to delicately trace the sleepless circles that were similar to hers. He didn't blink or flinch. He just watched. "You, too, huh?" she asked, speaking of the sleeplessness. He looked away.  
  
"I don't sleep well, knowing something's wrong with you." In spite of herself, she felt a smile forming.   
  
"Maybe we'll bump you up to the second-floor guest bedroom. The bed's nicer."  
  
"Maybe you can learn how to share."  
  
His straight-forwardness surprised her, so much so she almost thought she had misheard him - or that he was... joking? Her laugh was nervous, a little high-pitched.  
  
"Y-you're - "  
  
"Kidding? I'm not." He took a step then, gently leading her to her bed. Or hoping to. "I think we need to actually talk about what happened." He paused. "Why I'm here, and all that shit." Nodding absently, Roxy let herself be led - eventually the backs of her knees came into contact with her bed, immediately sitting down. She held her breath, Dirk sitting next to her. He held to her arm still.  
  
"Because I'm helpless, right? Because I can't take care of myself and -"  
  
"Because, like I said already. You're wrong." She heard him clear his throat, as if saying these things made him uncomfortable. She knew they did, but she wasn't really in a mood to reassure him. Knowing that if she coddled him, he'd never say what he wanted to. Roxy wasn't aware of how desperate she was to hear it, either.  
  
"Wrong? That's a lie, Strider. And you know it." Her tone was only slightly bitter.  
  
"About what you had said." He shifted awkwardly. "About no one loving you." Roxy looked at him, then, seeing the colour tinting his cheeks and ears.   
  
"I'm listening."  
  
"Fuck you, Roxy. You know how stupid thi-" Her hurt look cut him off, the blonde shaking his head. "Not stupid. I'm sorry, I didn't mean that. It's not stupid. It's important. Rox - you wanted to fall off that balcony. I know you did. You told me." It was her turn to blush now, but more in shame than anything else.  
  
"I did. I'm not gonna lie about it. But I just - I really don't think you understand." She laughed helplessly. "I was so fucked up, Dirk... I don't think I've been that hammered in my life." It had exacerbated the obvious problem living deep down under her skin. The loneliness thing. The whole fucking triangle of love all her friends had with one another. Leaving Roxy to be the mediator. Meddler. It had finally got to her. His hands had moved to close around her own instead of the cast, thumb gently rubbing over the tops of her bruised knuckles.  
  
"Nothing is worth doing something that stupid. Not Jake, not Jane. Not me."   
  
"I know... I know..." Trying very hard to not to cry, she brought her free hand to rub at her temples. "It just all caught up with me. But you -" She turned, facing him. "You really... helped." Even if he had sort-of started the whole thing. "I mean - I actually did slip. And Tequila Sunrise - God, you're so amazing." She freed her arm and wrapped around him, burying her face into his neck. Awkwardness took over, but his arms lifted around her, one of his hands sifting into the hair on the back of her head. The other rubbed her back in a slow, methodic, calming way. Because he felt her body shaking with gentle sobs.  
  
"Calm down, Rox. It's really okay. It's going to be okay." He kissed the side of her head. "I came here because you're wrong. I love you, Roxy. I wouldn't be here if I didn't. I wouldn't have called, I wouldn't have sent you a fucking robot - I don't think _you_ understand." He hushed her further, petting and soothing. She took in a shuddery breath, pulling back to look at him. Eyes were redder; wet with tears.   
  
"I love you, too... I didn't know how to deal with it." She couldn't cope. Everything had leapt up to swallow her all at once. It had almost succeeded. He leaned forward, pressing their foreheads together. His eyes closed, and so did hers. It had... taken over her. The feeling. The love. It was everything she had and she'd been forced to shove it down, lock it away. Because her friends being happy was more important. So she shoved it away, and she drank to cover it up. Best way to handle a problem, clearly. But she hadn't known what else to do. What would her mother have told her? Something about marrying someone for their money and not any true feelings, no doubt. Or if Roxy was going to turn out anything like her mother, she'd be 40 before she found someone. Ugh. Cougars. What would Jane or Jake have said? Something ridiculously chipper and overly sweet, gushing with how she should 'just do it!' without even really listening to her plight. Fuck, would the conversation even have gotten that far? What with how absorbed Jake and Jane were in one another - oh. She hadn't even thought to ask how that had gone for Jane. Lalonde had been... very distracted the past two weeks. She'd spent quite nearly an entire one of them in the hospital, setting the bones back in her arm. She'd landed on it hard when Tequila Sunrise had caught her. Which sucked, but the fall would have killed her if not for that blessed robo cat. Dirk's voice brought her back.  
  
"Learn. Because I will, too." It was a strange, alien feeling - not love itself, but the actual emotion being put towards someone. That's what confounded him. He had feelings, he wasn't emotionless - but he had difficulty expressing it at the right time. Which is mostly the reason why he came off as such an abrasive asshole. Unable to stop herself, she delicately pressed her mouth against his. It was brief and chaste.  
  
"I'll learn. We both will." For the first time in two weeks, she smiled - really, really smiled. Her heart fluttered happily in her chest when he smiled back.  
  
"Together."

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this before we knew Dirk and Roxy's names. SO that's why it may seem a little stiff. Please enjoy!
> 
> fanart!!! ;o;
> 
>  
> 
> [If I Fall...](http://psychocolette.deviantart.com/art/Sadstuck-If-I-fall-283141696)  
> [by bam-squared](http://i.imgur.com/Chdxr.png)  
> [by anewworldfool](http://i.imgur.com/ePQVE.jpg)  
> [self-voicing](http://demosthenes.tumblr.com/post/18631382832/voiced-a-part-of-wahts-it-to-u-because-i-was-bored)


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